Monday reflections.

I couldn't get on here this weekend -- just too much emotional stress, anxiety and fatigue at every level.

Went in for chemo on Friday and met with Dr. F.  They only had results from the third week of chemotherapy (so we'd have something to talk about).  The "bad" numbers, as I understand them, have gone down like 10-15%.  He termed that "average" and let me know that it's generally not linear so not to worry, but obviously I was hoping for something more extraordinary.  We'll see what happens in a month, I guess.

I apparently managed to forget to take a Prilosec Saturday morning because my stomach bugged me all weekend, and although I have not yet (knock on wood) had as bad a time of this first week's treatment as I did previously (the Zomeda infusion) my body just hurts.  Tons of back and shoulder and leg pain and stiffness.  It sucks how that just wears you down, but the deeper problem is it's just the jab that gets thrown out there ... the punch that actually hurts is the overhand right that follows when you realize, as opposed to when you might normally feel like hell, that even when it goes away you still have cancer.  In other words if I felt like this and had the flu at least I'd know at some point it was going to not only go away but not come back and I wouldn't care.  With this situation, however, it's just another weight stacked on my back to remind me of my situation.

I got a prescription for Lexapro from Dr. F. as well, although I'm waiting until I hear Dr. M.'s interpretation and opinion on everything (and that drug) this week.  Emailed her this morning, and asked her what I should do about meeting her mentor that she's setting me up with since she's quitting the Mayo Clinic.  I'm concerned that if I don't go out there and meet with him that I won't feel a connection, and worse he won't feel one to me -- having your doctor root for you and at least acting the part is important to me.  Not sure what to do so I asked them to weigh in on it.  I should be hearing from the stem cell transplant doctor she recommended from the MC in Arizona soon as well, apparently.

Not even sure what else to say here today.  Between the stress of Friday, the stress of waiting to see if the Zomeda was going to destroy me physically again, the stress this fucking illness is putting on my marriage, I just feel empty today.