I wish I had something to exorcise by writing today but I just don't ... I'm on a fairly even keel as far as things go. Certainly not happy but not in a dark place by any means. Just sadly resigned, if I have to "be" something today.
Wish I could be something else ... Like not needing to be here, not knowing this world exists. Most people have no concept of how much their blissful ignorance protects them. I miss that, perhaps most of all. Well that and the feeling that I had some control over my destiny and that I could put some faith in probability and causality.
Amy and I were chatting during a walk earlier in the week about curing cancer. The sad reality is the drug companies really have a financial disincentive to cure this. My treatment is $10,000 a month, and the next drug they'll put me on (Revlimid) is $25,000. Make me live longer? Sure. Cure it? Why would they, so they can ride the accolades into bankruptcy?
Sad state of affairs, especially when it's my only real hope of survival.
I sat next to a woman today, Donna, who sparked up a chat with me after I offered to get her anything while I was up. She has breast cancer, which had been under control and then metastasized (sp?) and put her back in chemotherapy. The latest CAT scan showed it had slowed down to a dormant stage, however, so she was thankful for that. She was a pretty recent patient too (May), so we had some things and thoughts in common to talk about. I got the feeling, like me, she hasn't really dealt with this too much or talked to other patients. I gave her my therapist's number after she expressed interest that I thought it was helping me, and hopefully it brings her some peace. She expressed that she was bitter a lot, which I can certainly understand.
It was odd talking to someone with cancer ... haven't really made an effort to do that for a lot of reasons (most "bad," perhaps, but mine to choose). I don't know that confirming that another person had the same thoughts I did was much of an epiphany but perhaps with some time to ponder today I'll gain a perspective to grow from it.
I sat next to a woman today, Donna, who sparked up a chat with me after I offered to get her anything while I was up. She has breast cancer, which had been under control and then metastasized (sp?) and put her back in chemotherapy. The latest CAT scan showed it had slowed down to a dormant stage, however, so she was thankful for that. She was a pretty recent patient too (May), so we had some things and thoughts in common to talk about. I got the feeling, like me, she hasn't really dealt with this too much or talked to other patients. I gave her my therapist's number after she expressed interest that I thought it was helping me, and hopefully it brings her some peace. She expressed that she was bitter a lot, which I can certainly understand.
It was odd talking to someone with cancer ... haven't really made an effort to do that for a lot of reasons (most "bad," perhaps, but mine to choose). I don't know that confirming that another person had the same thoughts I did was much of an epiphany but perhaps with some time to ponder today I'll gain a perspective to grow from it.
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