Had my chemotherapy "class" this morning with the head of nursing at the cancer clinic I'll be doing my chemotherapy at. He was nice and calming, and walked me through what to expect, side effects, what to do in certain scenarios, etc. I should probably go pick my pharmacy's worth of drugs today, although I'll admit I'm a bit freaked out by the concept. If frigging Anthem BCBS hadn't broken with Walgreens at least I could have gone to a drive thru, but now I have to stand in line with a compromised immune system with a ton of sick, nosy people while I pick up like 10 prescriptions. Which being King Soopers will be handled with the delicacy, privacy and professionalism I would expect if I were having my scripts filled at Grease Monkey.
On the bright side, although my chemotherapy will be a weekly thing, (1) I only have to do it at Rose once a month (for an IV infusion that lasts 20 minutes and a visit with the local oncologist) and can do the other 3 weeks at SkyRidge (about 1.5 hours closer to my house/office, round-trip), and (2) I was told on a scale of 1-10 with 1 being a stubbed toe and 10 being death my regimen should be about a 1.25. It's basically a ton of pills I take on my own, a shot in the stomach once a week at one of their locations, and then this IV drip business. So hopefully that wasn't just wishful thinking that it will go easy -- what this is going to be like has been adding a whole new fun layer on top of the already full cup o' "fuck, I have to do chemotherapy" anxiety I was already dealing with.
We even chatted about medical marijuana and hemp oil this morning, although after reading a local story on Facebook today about a Colorado family with a child in a fight with Child Protective Services due to the parent's MMJ cards I'm just closing that avenue of treatment down for now. I'd rather, well, die of cancer, quite honestly, than put my daughter in jeopardy. So score one for the ignorati.
Mentally and emotionally I've been doing alright this week, at least for the most part. I think most of that has been accomplished simply by trying not to think about it too much. I had a long talk with my Aunt after the class this morning and she seemed to think I sounded good, and positive. I don't really feel that way, just resigned to move forward. I've learned about as much as I can, I've stacked all the odds I can affect in my favor, and I'm now on the only road visible.
Doesn't mean I'm psyched to be on it, though, nor do I think it takes much courage. I've been given a choice, effectively, of giving up and my daughter never knowing who I was or trying to be around for her -- it doesn't take courage to make the right decision there, just love.